Sunday, April 18, 2010

Is it worth it?

That has been the question this past 30 days…Is being in Uganda worth missing out on my friends’ lives back home? Is it worth it being here, if it means I will never again hug my friend back home? Is it worth it, if when I get back I realize life at home has passed me by? Is it worth it, if I wont be able to attend the funeral of a close friend or meet her new baby?

I have to admit, I have been in a funk these past 30 days…and honestly it is a funk that I haven’t really understood…until today…

In my attempt to find out why I feel the way I do, I looked through the books I brought with me, hoping I packed one that might explain this new stage I have entered…A friend of mine loving called it…”Stage 2 the negative stage”

After scanning the shelf of unread books, I came across “The Art of Crossing Cultures” and pulled it out…I am glad I did…It has explained a lot…

For me, I thought that my funk was solely from the loss of my friend Kylee, one month ago but in reality, its not…It’s a series of changes, all that have occurred in the last 30 days and all of which have contributed to pajama day today…

This month,

  • A good friend died
  • Things at GBI were extra stressful with the National Counsel Visit
  • My exercise level decreased, along with my cultural immersion with the purchase of a car
  • I had to learn to adjust to new driving stresses
  • My computer crashed and many of my documents were lost
  • I started attending a new church
  • NMSI Finance switched systems, which meant my monthly support dropped considerably all the while the new expense of Petrol increased
  • I came to the realization, that most of my friends or family will never know where I live, work, or what my life is like.
  • Friends in my apartment complex moved, leaving me without spontaneous afternoon & evening visits
  • My scale so loving told me that I gained a few kilos

The thing I come back to when I look at my month, think of my funk, and ask the question “Is it worth it?” Is that faith without works is dead. Faith isn't easy and if it was Jesus would not have had to say "Pick up your cross and follow me"...He knew we may question if what we are doing was worth it and yet he knew me and had a plan laid out for my life before the foundations of the earth.

That being said, I believe without a doubt that God brought me to Uganda. He knew what my last 30 days would look like, and he knows what the next 30 days will look like and for some reason he thinks I am strong enough to bear it. He won’t give me more than I can bear, even though some days it feels as if I am going to be crushed under the load and he knows where I lay my head at night, my route to work, and what I do for fun, even if my friends will never know.

My prayer is that God will allow me to feel him closer than before. That he would remind me that this earth isn’t my home and that living in what I know (aka Cali) isn’t better than living in the place he has sovereignty placed me in right now.

My prayer is that I will be reminded that while my friends may be gone from this earth, they are ever present with Jesus and someday I will get to see them again. My prayer is that instead of thinking of the things I may miss, I would be reminded of the amazing things God has already allowed me to see and experience here.

My prayer is that when the electricity goes out, when the bats fly into my head, when the roaches fly, and when the driving gets a little rough, that I will be able to say with confidence, “Yes…it is worth it!”


Neil and Courtney said...

LOVE THIS! love it.
so great for me to hear today.

you are a treasure, friend!

marcie said...

As my pastor and his wife would say, "it's FOR THE KINGDOM!" with their fist in the air. Haha! Lena, I love you and am excited for all you are doing through Christ's strength in you!!